


A Shining Star

by bessemerprocess



Category: Glee
Genre: Funeral, Gen, Grief, Podfic Available, Suicide, community:glee_angst_meme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-16
Updated: 2010-06-16
Packaged: 2017-10-10 03:41:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/95084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bessemerprocess/pseuds/bessemerprocess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>The thing about Jesse St. James is that he has an artistic temperament. Or at least that's what he tells himself.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	A Shining Star

**Author's Note:**

> Written for telm at glee_angst_meme. Prompt: Soon after "Funk", Jesse commits suicide.

The thing about Jesse St. James is that he has an artistic temperament. Or at least that's what he tells himself. If he's irritable or mean, well, it just because he puts so much on to the stage, that's all. Jesse St. James is a star and stars have to burn brightly.

When he's not on stage, the rest of Vocal Adrenaline knows to step lightly, but it's not a skill he can ever teach New Directions, because he's on all the time for them. Every single moment is Jesse St. James, super star, time. There is no place for the Jesse who drinks until he passes out, or the Jesse that throws things when he gets so mad he can't even speak, or the Jesse that locks himself into his closet to cry.

When Vocal Adrenaline takes him back, Jesse thinks it'll ease the pressure. He'll be able to be Jesse again, and not just Jesse St. James. The thing is, Vocal Adrenaline doesn't trust him, half of them think he's a traitor and the other half think he's on a manic rampage that's about to hit them. It gets worse after he hesitates to egg Rachel. It becomes unbearable after she drags him and all of Vocal Adrenaline back to McKinley to funk them.

Getting the pills is easy. He is Jesse St. James after all, even the high school drug dealers fear him and it's not like he's short on cash. It's a Thursday afternoon, the one time the choir room will be empty. Vocal Adrenaline has a Friday morning practice, but no one will be here until 5 am. So Jesse puts _Empty Chairs at Empty Tables_ on repeat and swallows down the drugs.

Maybe someone will find him in time and there will be a dramatic rescue, maybe everyone will forget he ever existed. Jesse St. James doesn't care either way.

***

Shelby is humming _A Heart Full of Love_ when she walks into the choir room. It's 4:30 am, but she likes to have a few minutes of alone time before her kids all come tumbling in. Music is coming for the room, though, and she wonders which overachiever has beaten her to school this morning.

Jesse is curled up on the first riser, hands tucked under his head, and Shelby sighs to herself. It wouldn't be the first time Jesse had slept in the choir room.

"Jesse," she says, and kneels down beside him to shake him awake. "Jesse?" He's cold and unresponsive, and Shelby starts to feel dread clawing it way up her throat. She leans over to check, no pulse, no breath. She grabs her cell and dials 911, even though she thinks it's already to late.

Shelby drops the phone once she's confirmed that an ambulance is on the way and starts chest compressions. The first aide class had been so cheesy, she hadn't even really paid attention. It comes back to her now, though. Thirty compressions to two breaths. Shelby's still breathing for him when the EMTs arrive and take over. They both end up in the ambulance: Shelby and Jesse. She only has enough time to yell to Mark Coste that practice is canceled before the doors close and the sirens finally replace the notes of _Les Mis_.

***

The doctors pronounce Jesse dead and Shelby can't even get a hold of his parents. They're in Singapore or Malaysia she thinks. It doesn't mater, she has the guardianship papers they signed so that Jesse could stay behind and sing, so the doctors tell her everything.

"There was nothing you could have done," they say.

"He was dead before you even got there," they say.

"You did everything you could have," they say.

It doesn't matter, she's still failed Jesse, her star, her favorite.

They let her see him one last time. She smooths his hair back from his eyes and kisses him on the forehead and whispers her goodbyes.

Most of Vocal Adrenaline is in the waiting room when she walks out. Jesse's dance partner collapses back into her chair and starts crying before Shelby can even say anything. Her face must have told them all, but she says it out loud, just to hear how it sounds: "Jesse's dead."

***

Most of Vocal Adrenaline had been whisked away by worried parents before noon, and Shelby was left alone. She'd considered going home and drinking herself to sleep, but there is one last person who deserves to hear this in person and not through the Lima rumor mill.

New Directions is gathered in their tiny choir room when Shelby makes it to McKinley. Will Schuester looks surprised when she sticks her head in the door, but he agrees to let her talk to Rachel in the hallway.

"Sweetheart," Shelby says, because she doesn't know what to say. "Jesse is dead. He killed himself last night."

Rachel looks up at her uncomprehending. "Jesse's dead?"

She nods and that's all it takes to unleash a torrent of sobs from Rachel. Shelby gathers her in her arms and lets her cry. Rachel doesn't even notice when Will joins them in the hall.

Shelby repeats the news, and Will look stunned. "I..."

"I've got her," Shelby says. "You should tell the rest of them."

***

Will walks back into the choir room on automatic pilot. Jesse had been one of the most outgoing, confident kids he'd ever met. Nothing had pointed to suicide.

The kids are all staring at Rachel crying in Shelby's arm through the tiny window in the choir room door. "Go, sit down," he tells them. That's what you're supposed to tell people to do when you have news like this. "I have some bad news. I know not all of got along well with Jesse, but he died last night."

The kids look at one another and then back at him.

"What happened Mr. Schue?" Tina asks.

"I don't know the whole story," he admits. "Ms. Corcoran said he killed himself."

The silence in the room is overwhelming. Finally Finn speaks up. "Rachel," he says and then runs into the hallway. Will lets him go.

"I know we were going to practice for Regionals today, but if you want to go home I'll make it good with Principle Figgens," Will says.

The kids look at one another again, and Will wishes not for the first time that he could understand the silent teenage language of raised eyebrows and tilted heads.

"We'll stay, Mr. Schue," Artie says and the rest of them nod.

"Okay," Will says. "Please remember that Ms. Pillsbury to talk with you guys if anyone needs it."

***

The funeral is well attended, but somber. Rachel sits tucked between Shelby and Will. Jesse's dance partner, Ciara, is under Shelby's other arm. Just a week ago, Rachel would have gladly watched Ciara cry. She'd been the one to tell Jesse to egg Rachel, she'd been there dancing in his arms when he dumped Rachel, she was the enemy. Except there wasn't an enemy anymore. Vocal Adrenaline had pulled out of Regionals and Jesse was dead.

It surprises Rachel every single time she looks up at the front of the church and sees the coffin and remember that Jesse is in there. His parents are in the front row, she recognizes them, but she's never met them. She bets Ciara has. Rachel kicks herself for the thought, it's uncharitable, unfit for a funeral.

Rachel lets the words of the service wash over her. They are unfamiliar, but she's not really paying attention except to stand when everyone stands, and kneel when everyone kneels. No one in her row goes forward for Communion, so she doesn't have to worry about how to skip that politely. Finally, the pall bearers come forward and the carry the coffin out of the church. For all that Jesse had hurt her, Rachel can't stop crying, not even when Ciara reaches across Ms. Corcoran and grabs her hand.

***  
The graveside service is short. Just a few words and flowers placed on the casket. Will watches as Rachel clings to Vocal Adrenaline's female lead and Shelby stands behind them, protectively.

"The kids are going back to my house," Shelby tells him. "I'll make sure Rachel is okay."

"Thank you," Will replies, his eyes still on Rachel.

"She'll survive," Shelby says and when he sees the shadow of pain on her face he know exactly what she's thinking: yours will survive, mine has already died.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [A Shining Star [Podfic]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/364110) by [tinypinkmouse_podfic (tinypinkmouse)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinypinkmouse/pseuds/tinypinkmouse_podfic)




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